I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m an average-looking guy, but years on dating apps seem to have destroyed my confidence entirely. The culture of the apps, which is focused on physical appearances, along with the ease of ghosting and blocking, has ruined my self-image.
Anyway, I’m in a relationship now, and we’ve opened it up due to my partner moving to another country. Before he moved, he said that he was in love with me but didn’t feel sexually attracted to me in the physical sense. Everything else, apparently, is absolutely perfect.
My low self-confidence, paired with my partner saying that he doesn’t get aroused by me is really messing with me. Should his lack of sexual desire be a dealbreaker? He’s trying to work on it, but I’m not sure if it’ll bring about change.
—Self Esteem Searcher
Dear Self-Esteem Searcher,
I’m all for direct communication in a relationship, but there’s a way to be direct kindly and a way to be direct cruelly. Your partner, seemingly, chose the latter. He knows you struggle with low self-esteem and that you don’t feel sexy or desirable, and still, he stabbed you in the heart and sliced you open.
That’s not to say he should lie or fake having sex with you when he isn’t enjoying it. But he should know enough to have these tough conversations with care. To say, “I think you’re so beautiful, but I’m struggling sexually at the moment to be intimate with you.”
I’d be interested to know if he ever found you sexually desirable. If he did, it is possible to rekindle the desire, as sexual desire with a long-term partner is often about more than appearance. So many things affect desire. Say he was stressed about the move. Perhaps he didn’t feel supported by you in another sector of his life. Or he felt you’ve been asking too much of him lately; perhaps you’ve required what, in his mind, is “too much” reassurance.
All these things (and so much more) affect wanting to have sex with a long-term partner. You may be able to tell, but all of these are “bigger” issues that would require you two to really sit down, have hard talks, and get into therapy.
He doesn’t seem like he has any desire to put in the work necessary to have a sexually connected relationship with you. In fact, he seems very resigned to having a sexless relationship with you.
Clearly, I’m very skeptical that he’s “trying to work on it.” How is he working on it? What actions is he taking? Has he said? Also, it will be really challenging to “work on it” when you two aren’t physically in the same place.
I’m going to be blunt with you (though I’m going to be kind, too—see, it’s possible): You deserve a relationship where your partner is sexually attracted to you. You not only deserve it, you need it for your mental health. (To be honest, I think nearly all of us need it. We all want to feel sexy, desired, and attracted by our romantic partners).
This man isn’t going to give it to you. If you kept dating, I think you’d shrink further into your self and your mental health would suffer even more.
Now is a great time to end things with him, and you can end things—kindly!—by simply saying you want to be with someone who finds you sexually attractive. (I can’t help but wonder if he was hoping for this outcome. He didn’t have the courage to break up with you, so he expressed a deal-breaker, hoping you’d end things with him.)
It’s also a great time to get into therapy to address your confidence and self-esteem issues. Like, get on that ASAP. You don’t want this to be an issue that plagues you for the rest of your life and keeps you from finding the love you deserve.
