I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I was a late bloomer, never having sex until I was 29. Now I’m in my first relationship (and she’s the second person I’ve ever slept with). Because this is my first relationship, and I have nothing to compare it to, I can’t tell if this is how a relationship is supposed to function. I feel like we get into a lot of fights over various things, like how frequently I play video games and how often we have sex. (She wants it a lot more than I do.) She says she feels like I don’t love her and prioritize her; I feel like I do, and there’s nothing more I can do to make her feel prioritized.
They say relationships take a lot of “work,” but how do I know if this is too much? How do I know if we can overcome these problems, or will we end up like one of those unhappy couples who just stay together out of convenience for fear we’ll never find anyone else?
— Afraid to Break Up
Dear Afraid to Break Up,
I wish I had a concrete answer for you— that I could say with certainty that if your girlfriend is doing X, Y, and Z, you should break up with them. But the truth is, unless your partner is abusive or manipulative, there aren’t any hard and fast rules. What’s “too much” conflict for one person might be considered a whole lot of nothing to another.
That said, there are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you determine whether this is a partnership worth working through or if your issues are insurmountable. Let’s go ahead and unpack those:
1. Do you share the same values?
While it’s nice to share hobbies, your girlfriend doesn’t need to play video games for your relationship to work. However, she should have similar beliefs about family (e.g., the beliefs about family roles, parenting, gender roles, and the importance of family connections), relationship expectations (e.g., views on commitment and fidelity), and life goals (e.g., aspirations regarding career and personal growth). Financial values (such as attitudes towards money, including spending habits, saving, and financial goals) along with similar social and political views aren’t necessarily musts, but they sure as hell make your relationship a lot easier.
In other words, it’s the big-picture stuff that really matters. The rest, like how often you play video games, is negotiable, and you should be able to find a medium that satisfies you both (i.e., where you get your video game time in, and she still feels prioritized).
2. Do you and your partner address the issue at hand while communicating?
All too often, relationship experts state that “communication” is the most important thing in a relationship. I’m inclined to agree, but “communication,” broadly, is some of the most unhelpful advice imaginable. How do you communicate? If you both have different communication styles—say one of you wants to address an issue right as it comes up so they don’t obsess over it, whereas your partner needs a couple of days of digesting the issue before speaking to it—can you find a middle ground?
Many of us are absolute dog shit at communicating with our romantic partners. Instead of reaching a happy middle ground, we focus on being right. Or we blame our partner. Or we get defensive, so we deflect by bringing up something our partner does wrong instead of addressing the issue at hand, taking responsibility, and doing our best not to repeat what hurt our partner.
Learning to communicate without judgment, anger, or being defensive is really hard. If it were easy, I’d be out of a job. So, I’m not saying you two should have it mastered by now. But I do want you to take stock of how you’re communicating. Are you working together (or separately in therapy) about how to communicate better? Are you addressing the issue at hand? Or are you avoiding issues altogether and slowly building resentment?
It’s less important how frequently you argue, and more important how you argue and whether you can reach resolutions that satisfy both of your needs.
3. Do you still give a damn?
When you speak to couple’s therapists, they often say they can work with anger or sadness. But if a partner has no emotions towards their spouse, that’s when the relationship is in real trouble. When you have strong emotions, you likely still care about your partner; indifference means you’re checked out and over it. If you’re feeling indifferent, it’s a telltale sign you should end the relationship.
So, do you give a damn about your girlfriend right now? Do you actually want her to feel prioritized, and are you willing to help make her feel prioritized? Or are you over it (and her)?
4. Do you trust your partner (or could you learn to)?
Relationships are built on trust. That’s a pretty universal truth. But trust is a finicky thing; sometimes, we don’t trust our partner because we have our own personal trust issues—perhaps we’ve been cheated on in the past or grew up in a household where our parents were unreliable. In those cases, you can work on your trust issues alone (in therapy or by reading self-help books) and also with your partner. However, if you don’t trust your partner because they have repeatedly lied to you or otherwise broken your trust, then it’s time to end the relationship.
Hopefully, the answers to these questions will clarify whether you should invest the effort to save this relationship or consider breaking up. If you’re still feeling mixed, setting a personal timeline is also fair. You could tell yourself: “If I’m still feeling stuck in two, three, or six months after I’ve done my best to address our problems, I will break up with my girlfriend.”
