Beneath the wilted flowers, cheesy poems, and empty chocolate boxes, Valentine’s Day is really about one thing: Showing your loved ones that you care about them. And while candy is sweet and gift cards are cute, true romance lies in demonstrating to your partner that their pleasure is equally important as your own.
Navigating intimate relationships can be intimidating, though, so we spoke to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a researcher, author, and educator specializing in sex and psychology, and an Astroglide brand ambassador. With his help, we’ve crafted this Valentine’s Day guide to help you give your partner what they want on this special day—from having an honest conversation to experimenting with erotic toys and lubricants in the bedroom.
Get to Know Their Wants, Needs, and Fantasies
All intimacy begins with conversation, Lehmiller emphasizes: “Talk to your partner about their pleasure”—after all, to give them what they want, you have to know what they want! So in preparation for this Valentine’s Day, consider asking your partner what they like, what they fantasize about, what turns them on. “Think of it as a series of communicative acts that happen before, during, and after sex,” says Lehmiller. “Communication at all those times is essential. It ensures that you know what your partner really enjoys.”
Understand Their Pleasure Language
Your partner communicates with you through both verbal and non-verbal cues during foreplay and sex. It’s your job to pay attention to what they’re saying, even when they aren’t speaking. “What are the sounds that they’re making?” says Lehmiller. “What is their body language saying? What is this telling you about the degree to which your partner is enjoying themselves at that moment?” This awareness will help you avoid erroneous assumptions and also gives you something to discuss afterward. “Having paid attention to their body language, you’re primed to have a productive check-in about how the experience was, what you might do differently next time, and what they might want more of in the future,” says Lehmiller.
Consider Gifts That Can Enhance Intimacy
The right Valentine’s Day gift should communicate that you’re thinking about your partner’s enjoyment and confidence. Think beyond clichéd chocolates and cards, Lehmiller suggests. Toys or a lubricant such as Astroglide Liquid can help build on that initial conversation about making their sexual satisfaction a priority. “There are many misconceptions about lubricant,” Lehmiller says. “People might not see it as an essential part of sex, but the reality is that lube can enhance intimacy for everybody—no matter what they’re interested in.” Since Astroglide Liquid is water-based, it washes off clean and is compatible with latex condoms. The combination of lubrication and moisturization encourages pleasure and guards against skin irritation, dryness, and discomfort in overall sexual health and masturbation. “Lube is a way of adding not only pleasure but also novelty and excitement to your relationship, because both partners will experience new sensations together.”
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Plan an Evening From Start to Finish
Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to go beyond your routine date night and map out an entire evening together. While planned coupling may not seem as sexy as spontaneity, this is another situation where open communication can help manifest the best results. “Planning helps us ensure that the evening is set up to make sure everyone gets what they want and experiences pleasure,” Lehmiller says. “You want time for anticipation to build and for arousal and excitement to occur naturally.”
Be Vulnerable
This last tip is the backbone of everything that came before. Be honest and unguarded with your partner—it’s impossible for them to be open with you about their feelings and their desires if you aren’t doing the same with them. “When we look at the science of relationships, we see that self-disclosure vulnerability—trusting your partner with things that make you feel insecure— is a crucial part of intimacy and connection,” says Lehmiller. “It works best when it’s reciprocal and slow.” So while this may be uncomfortable, it doesn’t have to happen all at once. Begin by revealing small things you feel vulnerable about; as it becomes easier over time, you’ll feel more comfortable discussing tougher subjects with your partner. And this is how you’ll know that you’ve built a closeness that can enhance your relationship, both inside and outside the bedroom.
