Sexplain It: My Self-Esteem Can’t Take Any More Hookup App Flakes

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I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

Dear Sexplain It,

How is one supposed to deal with the anxiety and unsureness of Grindr hookups? I never know if someone is actually coming over—even after I’ve given them my address and they tell me they’re on their way! Just today, someone told me he was coming over, and then when I wondered when he was coming and went to check the messages, I found that he had blocked me. The conversation that we had had over the past hour had disappeared.

I really wouldn’t mind someone changing their mind if they just told me so I wouldn’t have to wallow in anxiety and prepare myself, waiting for them to [dis]appear at any moment. How am I supposed to make this easier on myself?

Anxious Grindr User

Dear AGU,

Just as a fish swims, a Grindr hookup flakes. There are a few reasons why so many queer men are flakey on hookup apps. Mainly, I think we’ve inadvertently created a vicious cycle of flaking. Essentially, someone assumes their hookup is going to flake, so they have a backup. When neither hookup flakes, they have to then flake on one of the guys. (Or they found a DTF guy who they find more attractive, or more conveniently located, so they flake on the first guy. Rude, I’m aware!)

It’s tough to guess who’s going to flake—there aren’t necessarily any telltale signs—which is why I appreciate how you framed your question. You didn’t say how can I deduce who’s more likely to flake as you just don’t know. (For what it’s worth, I have also spoken to dozens of men who seemed super attracted to me, only to block me after they say they’re en route.)

While you cannot control if a man flakes, you can control your response. Yes, your feelings are understandable, but they are, dare I say, slightly extreme. When someone flakes on me, I’m annoyed, frustrated, and bummed (especially if I douched for that fucker). But I don’t “wallow in anxiety” and despair.

So, my anxious friend, what’s going on here? I have a strong suspicion there’s a deeper issue. You should definitely talk to a therapist about this, as they can help you unpack some of your deeper insecurities (and potential trauma), but I’m going to guess that perhaps, just perhaps, you’re using sex as a means of validation. (I think that’s why you’re so invested in the anticipation of the hookup, building up the encounter in your head and putting so much pressure on it.)

We all do this, and I’m not going to get on a high horse and say if you’re using sex for validation, you’re DEEPLY unwell or any of that bullshit I see on social media. Sex is obviously a form of validation. I sometimes use sex as a form of validation. Many of us do, and in small doses, I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with that, but sex cannot be the only way you’re getting validation about your body, self-worth, and desirability.

When it is, the question of “will they or won’t they come over” becomes very anxiety-inducing because if they end up flaking, your self-esteem takes a major hit. (In addition to unpacking all this with a therapist, I highly recommend you read my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, because I delve into dealing with rejection [and building self-worth] in great detail.)

While you embark on this journey, you’re going to have to learn to sit with the discomfort and anxiety of not knowing whether a guy will flake. It won’t kill you. Breathe. Read a book. Watch some TV. Give your friend a call. Don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs, waiting for the dude. And if he does flake on you, I recommend jacking off right away. Don’t try to set up another hookup and start the potential anxiety spiral anew. Take your L and move on by getting that nut out or by ramming a dildo in your behind.

I know orgasming isn’t going to solve all your problems, but it is a tried-and-true stress reliever that might just help you gain a clearer perspective.

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