Confessions of a Cereal Killer

ANY SEINFELD OBSESSIVE knows Jerry’s “usual” at Monk’s: a bowl of Cheerios. Jerry Seinfeld has sprinkled his enduring appreciation for cereal—and other processed breakfast foods—throughout his work. He even made a whole movie about Pop-Tarts, the Netflix comedy Unfrosted, out May 3. Don’t get us wrong, we stand by the high-protein breakfasts featured in the pages of our magazine. But when you want to recapture the childhood joy of sneaking into the kitchen after bedtime to tear into some Froot Loops, Seinfeld is here to tell you how to do it right.

MEN’S HEALTH: You’re famously a lover of breakfast foods. How did it start?

JERRY SEINFELD: You just cannot believe what I ate as a child. I would have cereal in the morning, Pop-Tarts in the afternoon. Then I’d eat a little bit of lunch, but I hated it. And I would never eat dinner. My mother would make dinner, I’d have a couple of bites, and then I’d push it away. But before bed, I’d make another gigantic bowl of cereal. I was eating a lot of Entenmann’s, which was on top of the refrigerator. I mean, just nothing but junk.

MH: How do you eat now?

JS: I can’t eat now like I used to when I was a kid—or even when I was doing Seinfeld, when I was in my 30s and early 40s. I would still eat absolutely anything, anytime I wanted. So I really had an incredible free ride. I never learned anything about [healthy] eating until I was in my 50s. Then I decided it was time to find out what you’re supposed to eat.

MH: Did you lose the joy of eating breakfast foods once you had to eat healthier?

JS: No, I totally kept it. I use it for mood management now.

MH: I’m in need of a little mood management myself. What cereal do you prescribe?

JS: Well, it depends on how depressed you are. If you’re in real trouble, Frosted Flakes is the way to go. If you just need a little bit of a lift, you might go with Honey Nut Cheerios. If you want to pretend that you’re not eating cereal, you can have Raisin Bran. But I’m in favor of having cereal anytime you want it. I have a line: “You’re eating and drinking at the same time, with one hand, without looking.” That’s just going to change your whole day.

MH: What are your thoughts on the new wave of high-protein cereals?

JS: Absolutely sickening. If you want protein, make some eggs.

MH: Do your kids share your love of cereal?

JS: Oh, for sure. Late-night cereal with my kids, which I still do, is one of the greatest joys of parenting. You get them into the kitchen at like 11:00 o’clock, you’re having cereal together, and that’s when you really find out what’s going on with them.

MH: It’s a shame companies no longer put toy prizes in the boxes.

JS: And they’ll never do it again. Their lawyers will never let them. We have a scene in [Unfrosted] where somebody eats a frogman [toy], and the reaction from Kellogg’s corporate is: “They’re frogmen; they’ll find their way out.”

MH: When did you become a Pop-Tarts obsessive?

JS: It was sometime in the 2000s when [I realized that they] might have been a pivotal part of my childhood. It was late at night and I went to an all-night supermarket. I bought Pop-Tarts, I toasted them, I had them with a cold glass of milk, and I thought, I’m going to write the greatest stand-up routine about Pop-Tarts ever. And there are some other good ones already out there; other comedians have bits about Pop-Tarts. But I decided I was going to take this subject and explore it deeper than anyone else ever has.

MH: What flavor of Pop-Tarts were you eating during this revelation?

JS: It’s always brown sugar cinnamon.

MH: And always toasted? Or do you eat them cold, too?

JS: No, that’s barbaric.

MH: What kind of milk do you wash it down with?

JS: Almond milk. It’s a lactose thing.

MH: Are you aware of the drama surrounding almond milk?

JS: No, but I like any drama that has to do with milk.

MH: Turns out growing almonds uses up a lot of water. Personally, I agree with Lewis Black’s old bit about how milk needs to come from a teat.

JS: I have a bit about almond milk, too. “How did they find a stool small enough to slide under the almond?” I just appreciate that at some point somebody’s boss must have slammed a can of almonds down on their desk and said, “And figure out how to get some milk out of these goddamn things!”

MH: You’re a born-and-raised New Yorker. What’s your bagel order?

JS: The raisin bagel, toasted with butter, is an all-timer. After I have my bagel with lox and cream cheese, I make myself a raisin bagel, toasted with butter.

MH: So you have an entrée bagel, then a dessert bagel.

JS: That’s right. And then I have dessert after that, cinnamon babka. And that’s my Sunday morning.

MH: What’s your parting advice on the Most Important Meal of the Day?

JS: First of all, nothing’s important. That’s just something somebody said in a meeting. “It’s the most important meal of the day!” Then somebody else said, “Hey, that’s a good line. Let’s use that.” But it’s nonsense. Anything you want to be important is important.

A version of this article originally appears in the May/June 2024 issue of Men’s Health.

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