SOMEONE ONCE SAID that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. We’d venture that it might actually be through a spectacular blow job. In fact, according to a 2021 survey, 1 in 3 penis owners say blowjobs are somewhat important in their sex lives, and 30% would actually opt for oral sex over intercourse if they could only have one or the other.
It’s not really all that difficult to understand why getting head is such a crowd-pleaser. For one, the recipient gets to kick back, relax, and fully bask in the incredible sensations with no obligation to tend to their partner’s needs. And it goes without saying that a hand simply can’t compete with the warmth and wetness of a mouth, no matter how much you spit on it or lube it up. There’s a level of trust and vulnerability involved, too, in letting someone take perhaps your most beloved organ into their mouth. Not to mention, there’s something super hot about knowing that your partner is focusing 100% on your pleasure.
“For many people, having their dick sucked is also the ultimate intimate act,” says Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and sexual health expert at Passionerad. “And the receiver also gets a good view of their partner, too.”
Okay, so how do I give a a good blowjob?
While lots of people love a good BJ, it’s important to acknowledge that there’s definitely more than one way to play the skin flute. As with basically all other sexual acts, what brings one person to the finish line might be a total turn-off for another. And the only way to know what your partner likes is to just ask. (We promise it isn’t as awkward as it sounds.)
In this explainer, we’re going to provide all we can to help you give the best damn blowjob ever. With expert advice from Sofie Roos, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, sex therapist, and author of So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, Michael Ingber, MD, a urologist and urogynecologist at Garden State Urology, and Ashley Cobb, Lovehoney’s sex toy educator, you’ll be giving earth-shattering, toe-curling blowjobs in no time.
Start slowly.
When you’re watching porn, you may notice that often, the person receiving the blowjob starts completely erect and the blowjob giver immediately downs his penis, sucking as hard as possible.
“Even if he’s hard at the commencement of fellatio, don’t assume it’s a full erection,” Kerner says. “This means going slow and light and getting that blood moving into the genitals. Tap the penis with fingers, tease the glans with your tongue. Apply some light pinches up and down the shaft. You can even tickle and graze the shaft with your fingers/fingernails.” Then, once your partner’s penis is fully erect and filled with blood, you can start sucking with more force.
Use a combination of hands and mouth.
You may think that you only use your mouth during a blowjob and your hand(s) during a handjob, but “a good blowjob is a collaboration between hands and mouth,” Kerner says. For one, you will tucker yourself out if you only use your mouth. There’s a reason why it’s called a blowjob. It’s a goddamn job to give great head, and requires a ton of work. Second, you want to be able to stimulate your partner’s entire penis. Unless if you’re porn performer Sasha Grey or another deepthroating master, you won’t be able to get their entire penis inside your mouth, especially if they’re on the bigger side. You want to be able to stimulate the highly sensitive head and the shaft at the same time.
A good starting point for getting your hand involved is wrapping it around your partner’s penis and moving it up and down in rhythm with your head—like your cupped hand is an extension of your mouth. Make sure there’s enough saliva so that your hand can slide up and down easily—which brings us to the next point:
The wetter, the better.
“When giving great head, there’s no such thing as too much spit,” Cobb says. “Saliva serves as a natural lubricant and reduces painful friction, which takes away from pleasure when performing fellatio.”
Don’t be afraid to spit directly on the penis before and during a blowjob. If you notice that your mouth gets dry while giving a BJ, consider taking mouth-watering mints that help increase saliva production.
Emulate how your partner masturbates, but with your mouth.
Pay attention to his stroke when he’s masturbating or when you’re having sex,” Cobb says. “When he’s about to climax, does he go faster like a rabbit? Does he keep a steady tempo? What else do you notice he does when touching himself?” You’ll see when some people stroke, they tend to go slowly. Others move their hands so quickly, they become a blur, whereas others solely focus on the head of their penis, ignoring their shaft entirely. You want to copy their masturbatory rhythm with your own mouth and hands.
Use all the textures in your mouth.
You can use angles to provide various sensations. “There are several different textures at your disposal in your mouth: the roughness of your tongue, the ridgy roof of your mouth, the smoothness of the insides of your cheeks,” Cobb says. “Use all of these textures to create dynamic pleasure for your partner.”
You don’t need to suck the whole time.
In addition to sucking, you can lick your partner’s penis along the shaft, swirl your tongue around the head, and “flick” the head of their penis from the inside of your cheeks.
Try dirty talk.
If your partner is into a little dirty talk, there’s no better time to bust it out than during a blow job.
“Telling someone that you’ve saved your appetite just for this moment can be an incredible turn-on,” says Anna Richards, a sexologist and founder of the erotic ethical porn site FrolicMe.com.
Not sure where to start? Richards suggests telling your partner how amazing they taste. As an added bonus, she says engaging in a little dirty talk might inspire your partner to reward you with some verbal encouragement.
“To hear how good you are at sucking dick might even enable you to take it in a little deeper,” she adds.
Don’t forget the testicles and perineum.
When giving blowjobs, a lot of people focus solely on the head and shaft of the penis. Yes, those two areas should be primary focuses, but they shouldn’t be the only thing you’re stimulating when you’re going down on your partner. “While going down, you can cup the balls,” Kerner says. Some guys even like to have their testicles sucked on lightly. (If you pull their testicles too far down or away from their body, it can be painful, so be careful.) “You can also tap or apply pressure to the perineum,” Kerner says. (The perineum is the area between the testicles and the anus, and it’s a highly-erogenous zone that feels fantastic when stimulated.)
Try different blowjob positions.
Porn would lead you to believe that the only way to give a blowjob is down on your knees while your partner stands in front of you. And while getting on your knees can be a sexy way to play with power dynamics—not to mention puts your mouth directly at penis height—it’s far from the only way to go down on someone. There are so many amazing blowjob positions out there.
Don’t be afraid to suck hard.
Your partner is probably used to masturbating with their hand, and you can grip a lot harder with your hands than with a pair of lips. Translation: most penis-owners are accustomed to climaxing with more pressure on and around their penis. After you start slowly and your partner’s penis is fully erect, don’t be afraid to suck more forcefully with your lips to apply more pressure. For the most part, you don’t need to worry about sucking “too hard”—but feel free to pause and ask your partner how it feels, then adjust accordingly if need be.
Edge your partner.
Edging is when you bring your partner right to the point of climax—the “edge” of orgasm—then stop, rest, and repeat. When you finally do let your partner orgasm, the orgasm tends to be far more powerful, full-body, and euphoric than if you let them ejaculate the first time around. “Edging is really fun to play with,” Kerner says. It can be an ultimate tease and a great way to incorporate elements of power play.
Focus on the frenulum.
Quick anatomy lesson: On the underside of your penis, right where your foreskin intersects with the head, is a V-shaped band of tissue known as the frenulum. (A circumcised penis may only have a partial frenulum.)
And according to Roos, you’ll definitely want to give this area some love next time you’re going down on someone.
“The frenulum has most nerves on the penis, so it’s the most sensitive part,” she explains. “Licking or kissing it will take your blow job to the next level.”
If you want to delay their orgasm via edging, Roos suggests focusing only on the frenulum for a while. This is quite a tease, but it’s sure to result in an earth-shattering finish.
Incorporate prostate stimulation.
If your partner is open to the idea, incorporate prostate stimulation while you’re blowing them. “Many men masturbate with a prostate stimulator or butt plug. These toys can be used in combination with fellatio, making for unparalleled pleasure,” Kerner says. You can include prostate massagers, anal beads, butt plugs, or another anal-focus sex toy while blowing them. Or, you can finger your partner, targeting the prostate while you go down.
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Use a vibrator.
There’s a lot a partner can do with a standard vibrator to enhance pleasure. “Vibration applied to the penis really gets those pleasurable nerve endings tingling,” Kerner says. “Place the vibrator against the shaft and wrap your hands around the toy, and then just lick, suck, and tease the head of his penis with your tongue.” A vibrator also feels good under the testicles and pressed against the perineum, too!
What about deepthroating?
Porn makes it seem like in order to give a good blowjob, you have to magically unhinge your jaw like a snake to fit your partner’s entire penis in your mouth. This simply isn’t true.
“Never feel pressured to deepthroat,” Kerner says. “It’s a totally unnecessary aspect of fellatio.” That said, you may be someone who gets turned on by fitting your partner’s entire penis in your mouth, or you may be indifferent towards it but are down because you know your partner is into it. In case this is you, here are a couple of tips.
Try humming.
There is nothing—and we do mean nothing—ho-hum about giving someone a “hummer.”
Dr. Farhan Malik, MD, a double board-certified medical doctor specializing in men’s sexual health and male enhancement, suggests relaxing your throat and then humming as take your partner in to create powerful vibrations that instantly level up your BJ. “This experience is intensely pleasurable for most men,” he says.
Humming the whole time will likely be too intense for the receiver (not to mention, tiresome for you), so try doing it for about 5-10 seconds on and off as you slide their penis in and out of your mouth. (For extra credit, Malik recommends combining this tactic with deepthroating.) And don’t forget to experiment with different pitches as you hum, which will create different sensations.
Remember to breathe.
It can sometimes become difficult to breathe when deepthroating, even through your nose, so make sure to take necessary breaks. “This should go without saying but breathing and deepthroating can be a complicated task,” Cobb says.
Make eye contact.
Don’t underestimate the power of locking eyes while you’re going down on someone. According to Richards, this allows you to stay emotionally connected with your partner, making a blow job feel more intimate.
“It can also be a huge turn-on for you both while helping you both ground into the present,” she explains. “And it’s an important means of communication. A shared look can be reassuring, and you can better gauge how they’re reacting to your skills. A quick glance might reveal they are a little uncomfortable, so you can switch things up.”
Plus, making eye contact with your partner allows you to really convey your enthusiasm about having them in your mouth—which might just take them over the edge.
It’s all about angles and positions.
“When it comes to deepthroating, positioning matters,” Cobb says. You want your throat and the penis to be in alignment.” The alignment will heavily depend on the curvature of your partner’s penis. “Studies have been done identifying penile curvature and have found that 32.7% of men had dorsal curvature (upward), 19.1% of men had ventral curvature (down), 24.5% had lateral curvature (to one side), and 7% of men had no curvature,” Ingber notes. Note that the pharynx (the part of the throat used while deepthroating) does curve downward (i.e., straight to the back of the throat by the tonsils, then down). “So in a penis with downward or ventral curvature, straight-on blowjobs (i.e., when you’re on your knees and sucking) would be best. In men with significant upward curvature, a 69 position (where you’re upside-down) may be best.”
Apply more pressure as your partner reaches orgasm.
There is a clear beginning, middle, and end to a blowjob. In the beginning, you start slowly and get your partner rock-hard. The middle is all about that sucking and hand stuff to get your partner to the point of orgasm, and the finale is what to do when your partner is about to (and does) climax.
Your partner will likely tell you when they’re getting close, at which point, “Apply more pressure at the base and more friction at the head,” Kerner says. Sometimes, folks who are new to blowjobs think getting close means you should back off—nope! If he’s about to climax, you need to amp it a little bit in preparation for the big finale.
Keep stimulation through the orgasm.
All too often, blowjob givers stop right as their partner starts to ejaculate. Don’t do that! “Like when he masturbates, robust manual stimulation through orgasm will feel just fine, so make sure to continue stimulation through the entire orgasm,” Kerner says. That said, there’s a small window for when you need to stop applying pressure. (After an orgasm, a penis can feel hyper-sensitive, so touching it all will result in too much stimulation.) Typically your partner will let you know when to stop, so just wait for their cue. If they don’t signal anything, just wait until after they’re finished ejaculating, and then stop.
Plan where you want your partner to ejaculate.
“Think about where you want him to come, whether it’s in your mouth, somewhere on your body, or into your hand,” Kerner says. If you don’t want them to ejaculate in your mouth, switch from orally stimulating them to manually stimulating while they finish. If you don’t like your partner ejaculating on your face, then don’t put your face right in front of their penis while they orgasm. If you genuinely have no preference where they ejaculate, then ask them as they get close, “Where do you want to cum?”
Last but not least, make sure to enjoy it.
If there is one bit of advice we can give you while giving a blowjob, it’s to enjoy it. It’s incredibly arousing seeing how turned on and “into it” the blowjob giver gets when giving head. Your partner will see how much you’re loving giving them a BJ and worshipping their penis, and that will make them love the blowjob even more.
