THERE ARE SO many dating apps on the market that picking one to try might be difficult.
“If you think of the different dating apps as avatars, a lot of them are actually owned by the same umbrella company. But they highlight different parts of our personas and speak to different wants and desires,” says Shelby Terrell, L.M.S.W., sex and relationship therapist.
Tinder is notorious for finding hookups. Hinge is more tailored to finding a long-term relationship. But, dating isn’t easily separated into just those two buckets. People are dating differently these days. Many are exploring different kinds of connections: ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and more.
So, where do you go if you’re looking for something less… traditional?
Introducing Feeld: “a dating app for the curious.”
What makes Feeld different than other dating apps?
It might be gaining in popularity right now, but Feeld has been around for quite awhile. You might remember the app by its original name, 3nder. It was released in 2014, and specialized in assisting couples looking for partners for threesomes. In 2016, the app was sued by Tinder for trademark infringement. In an attempt to save what they built, the company rebranded and broadened their offering.
Now, the platform specializes in any and all alternative dating styles, including ethical non-monogamy, threesomes, kink play, dom/sub relationships, and so, so much more. It’s a place for you to find just about anything—which can be just as daunting as it is liberating.
So, is an app a good place to explore alternative connections like this? We asked the experts.
Is Feeld good for trying to break into other kinds of connections?
Experimenting requires a necessary phase of self exploration and processing to begin understanding your own wants, needs, and desires, “both from a relational perspective and on a sexual template,” Terrell says.
And coming into a space where you’re able to explore other people’s profiles can be helpful in that regard. You’ll be exposed to things you may never even have heard of. “It’s a great place to clarify your wants and needs,” and to see what’s out there, she says.
So, yes, don’t be afraid to make a profile. So long as you practice good safety measures, Feeld can be a great place to find partners to experiment with different connections—both emotional and sexual.
Is Feeld a safe place to explore new connections?
“Any online space has risks, any dating app has its risks, but Feeld is committed to eliminating as many of those risks as possible,” says Terrell. The app has strict safety policies to promote a safe place to connection.
But, of course, the overseers only have so much control over its users. And, because of the inherent nature of different kink, fetish, and BDSM spaces, it’s important to use precaution in any interaction, be it online or in person, Terrell says. While Feeld holds many safety policies to ensure as much of that as possible is mitigated, it’s still important to approach things in a smart manner to ensure your safety.
If you find someone online that you want to meet up with, start by having a first meeting that is not dinner or drinks, Terrell says. Do something in a public space, “like taking a walk or grabbing coffee. Especially when we’re talking about things like kink and BDSM, if you are trying to have a conversation about consent, then the lines can get blurry really easily once you involve substances,” she says.
It’s smart, too, to tell a friend when and where you’ll be meeting someone. They can call or text you to check in periodically so you can have an easy out if you feel weird in the situation.
Watch for red flags, too. If the person isn’t cooperative in meeting you in public, doing a sober activity, or during the day, that’s probably a bad sign. Ask a ton of questions (Terrell provides a few worth asking, below). If they’re poor with communication, or have a lack of consideration about consent, that’s something to think about.
Ask your potentially new partner the right questions, too. There’s a lot of information you’ll want to gather as you field a potentially new partner. Terrell suggests asking some of the following:
- What is your experience in the kink/BDSM/ENM/poly world?
- How do you handle discussions about limits and consent?
- What is your view on safety protocols, including conversations and frequency of STI testing?
- What would you tell your younger self to change and your journey or process into getting where you are now?
- What kind of aftercare do you like to give and or receive? What have you learned about yourself since you stepped into your kinky BDSM cells?
- What are you looking for right now?
- Do you have other partners?
- Are there any agreements that you have with those other partners that I should be aware of?
- Are you open to me connecting with a past partner of yours?
Most important, Terrell says, is to trust your instinct. “If you don’t feel like you can safely play with this person, then really just listening to your gut on that one,” she says.
Can you still join Feeld if you’re looking for a monogamous relationship?
For sure.
There are people on Feeld that are also looking for more mainstream relationships, too. It can be a great dating app option, especially if you’re monogamous and are looking for a kinkier relationship, Terrell says. Feeld’s filters and descriptions allow for more conversations to encourage conversations around sexual preferences.
A Guide to Feeld Terms
Start scrolling through Feeld and you’ll notice lists of key terms and acronyms on the profile descriptions or ‘Desires’ subsection of user pages. Some are obvious, and some are not. Here’s a short list of more niche terms you might find the app. For a more comprehensive list, take a look at their glossary.
Aromantic: Someone who does not experience typical romantic attraction, though they might experience sexual attraction
ENM: practicing ethical non-monogamy
FWB: Friends with Benefits
FFM: Interested in female, female, male threeways
FFF: Interested in threeways with all female-identifying partners
GGG: Good, Giving, Game (short for: good in bed, giving equally in time and pleasure, and game for most things)
GrayA: Short for greysexual, meaning people who rarely experience sexual desires
Key Holder: a dominant in a dom/sub relationship that holds control over the sub’s chastity
LTR: Long-term relationship
MMF: Interested in male, male, female threeways
MMM: Interested in threeways with all male-identifying partners
Switch: Someone who can flop between being both a dom and a sub
Two-Spirit: Culturally distinct gender that encompasses both feminine and masculine qualities, stemming from Native American culture
