I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form!
Dear Sexplain It,
I think my wife of five years is cheating on me. Not often, as we have two young kids, and who has the time? But once a month, she’ll claim she’s having a night out with her girlfriends and is scarce on the details. The couple of times I’ve spoken to her friends about her monthly hang, none of them know what I’m talking about. Also, my wife will be incredibly nice to me the next day.
To make matters more complicated, I’m also having an affair with someone in the office over from me. It’s been going on for about six months, and since we started the affair, I haven’t had sex with my wife. The first month, my wife attempted to initiate sex a few times, and I gave an excuse as to why I wasn’t in the mood. I honestly think that was when she started her own affair. Now, it’s been six months since we had sex and five since either of us attempted to initiate sex.
Despite not having a passionate sex life, my wife and I are perfectly happy and get along really well. She’s an incredible mother and a supportive wife. And we’re like a well-oiled machine when it comes to the kids.
I wouldn’t want to get a divorce, nor would I want to see my kids less. It seems somewhat unnecessary to confess—or, for that matter, to call her out. I feel like I should let her have her affair, and I’ll have mine. But the other part of me wonders if our relationship would be stronger or healthier if we both confessed and attempted to reconnect sexually. I’m not sure I want to risk it. What do you think?
— Cheaters
Dear Cheaters,
Since you didn’t ask, and I doubt it would be productive, I will avoid rambling about the ethics of cheating. (Besides, if a reader believes infidelity to be the utmost act of betrayal, nothing I say will convince them otherwise.) Instead, I want to focus on what I think would benefit you and your wife as well as strengthen your marriage.
You clearly love your wife, and excluding your sex life, you have an excellent relationship, which is why I do not think you should necessarily confess your infidelity, nor do I think you should ask about her potential indiscretions… at least not yet.
That said, I do think you should stop having an affair, reinvest that (sexual) energy and time into your wife, and attempt to have a meaningful, passionate sex life with the woman you married. I believe if you do this, your wife may stop having her (potential) affair, as her infidelity is seemingly a direct response to you rejecting her sexually.
Reigniting that flame will require work and introspection on both your and your wife’s part. Without knowing the intimate details of your relationship history (and your relationship with your parents), it’s a little challenging to give specific advice, which is why I would highly recommend a sex therapist for couples. But I do have some questions I’d like you to ask yourself.
Think back to the last time you had passionate sex with your wife. What were the conditions that facilitated eroticism? Or, in other words, what was going on in your life and relationship that led to the sex being so hot?
Perhaps you haven’t had passionate sex since having children. Is it because you have little time and are perpetually tired? Do you put your children’s needs before your own, so you feel guilty taking twenty-five minutes to be intimate with your spouse? Maybe your home, smelling of Spaghettios and sounding of cries, isn’t the most conducive space to feel sexy and intimate?
If this were the case, you would need to get out of your house and out of “dad” and “mom” mode. Instead of seeing your mistress monthly, get a nanny and have a date night with your wife that ends at a hotel. I’d also start sexting your wife that morning to build anticipation for the evening. Tell her how excited you are to see her and how much you look forward to being intimate.
Perhaps you view your wife differently since you’ve had children? Are you struggling with the Madonna/whore complex and can’t view your wife as a sexual being since she’s become a mother?
Okay, then, why not try some roleplay? You and your wife should meet at a bar and pretend not to know each other. Or you can pretend to be her boss. Or she’ll be the sexy nurse. (Roleplaying as a mistress may be a little too on the nose.)
Renowned relationship expert Esther Perel discusses this in her pivotal work, Mating in Captivity, but for many, familiarity doesn’t lead to hot sex. It can lead to security and stability, which is great when raising a family, but it can impede having a passionate sex life. Creating a bit of separation through roleplay and stepping out from your usual roles as husband and wife might be what you need to have passionate sex.
So, talk to your wife when you have a moment away from the kids, perhaps before bed. Say something like, “Honey, I know it’s been a moment since we’ve been intimate. With the kids and everything, I know we’re exhausted and not feeling our sexiest, but let’s have a date night soon? We can drop the kids off at my mother’s, get dressed up, go somewhere fancy, and get a hotel for the evening. What do you say?”
Hopefully, this will be the beginning of getting your sex life back on track. You will, again, start to desire your wife—making her feel loved and wanted. In turn, she will feel desired, which may lead to ending her (potential) affair.
But do know, it will likely take more than having a date night once a month to reignite your passion. A lot is going on here, and infidelity, in particular, is something essential to unpack with a therapist.
