FOR MANY YOUNGER LGBTQ+ people, an increase in societal acceptance and ever-growing representation in pop culture has created an environment where they feel more able to come out, re-introduce themselves to their nearest and dearest, and feel confident in their sexuality or gender identity.
However, despite a seemingly positive trend towards LGBTQ+ liberation across the States and more recently in countries like Thailand—which this year became the first country in Southeast Asia to legalize same sex marriage—many people still don’t come out until later in life.
One in 10 LGBTQ+ adults said they came out later in life, with 29% of respondents to a survey from Gallup saying they came out to others after they turned 30. Furthermore, when comparing how long individuals knew they weren’t straight compared to when they shared this information publicly, the median time for senior citizens was 10 years compared to young adults who weren’t out for an average of three years.
But underneath the statistics, what is it really like to come out as queer later in life, when you may have lived as straight or cisgender for decades?
Ben, who came out at the age of 31, had initially discussed the idea of coming out with his therapist, which helped him approach the subject of his sexuality with his wife. “We’d briefly discussed my struggles with sexuality before we were married, but I still was unsure how she would react,” he says.
A common fear for people of all ages when coming out is the reaction of those around them. Whether it be from friends or family, or even colleagues, it can prevent them from sharing their honest selves with the world.
Fortunately for Ben, his wife was accepting of his sexuality. “Luckily I needn’t have worried at all,” he says. “She was of course completely accepting of me and my decision, and basically admitted that she already knew. After chatting with her I suddenly felt like I wanted to tell everyone.”
Ben had been questioning his sexuality for 15 years prior to coming out, with his lack of confidence being the main driver of him not exploring his sexuality any further: “I was a very different person back then compared to who I am now. It really was my wife who has helped me to grow in confidence and acceptance over the years and I have been truly lucky to have someone who has always loved me for who I am.”
Journalist and writer Freddy McConnell felt an intrinsic link between his sexuality and understanding his gender identity as a trans man when he came out. For him, the two were inseparable: “A really key moment was realizing: ‘yes, I’m attracted to men and that’s not a problem’, but it would make much more sense to me and feel so much better for me if I was also a man.'”
Coming out in his early 20s, he reflected on how coming out to his friends and family and to himself fundamentally allowed him to feel relief and confidence in himself like never before.
“Nothing is worse than living with such a massive secret,” he says. “The relief and confidence boost you’ll feel will help you figure out problems that might then come up with certain relationships, romantic, familial or otherwise. Coming out is always a step forward, a form of progress.”
Sim, who came out as bisexual and non-binary in 2022 and is from the UK, separated from their ex-wife of 20 years, identifying their decision to share their sexuality and gender identity as partly the reason for their divorce. “What prompted the decision [to separate] was me repressing part of myself that I was aware of since I was five years old,” they explain. In Sim’s case, the initial understanding they were met with eventually faded. “My ex wife was accepting at first, but over time she became resentful and abusive about the way I wanted to dress and express myself. She mentioned that it was a phase I was going through, which left me feeling alien and unheard.”
Another reason why they’ve not come out publicly is because of the journey they’re on understanding their own gender identity. As someone who identifies as non-binary, their gender identity is something that is neither strictly male nor female, but rather their own unique expression of gender outside of the binary. “I also feel that my male identity is something that I have become too wrapped up in over the years and this has also played a part in me not being publicly out,” they continue. “I feel wrapped up in too many of my ‘male layers’ with the femme side to me still being covered up. I think coming out at a later age involves a time consuming adjustment period because of my previous life’s ‘baggage.'”
Many men identify “baggage” as a hurdle that makes them reluctant to come out, or they believe that it’s “too late” and that too much of their life could be disrupted. For their partners, it can leave them feeling “deceived” and with many questions for their spouses. “Why didn’t you just come out when you were younger?” or “Why did you keep it from us?” are all valid questions, but in the moment they can feel accusatory and place blame on the person coming out.
To help both partners and individuals who are coming out to navigate these often unchartered waters, we asked Dr David McLaughlin, LGBTQ+ Psychologist and Founder of CURB Health for his advice on how to react in the moment.
He has seen in his work that the older you get, the more psychologically challenging coming out can be. “Some of my patients have told me that they feel an enormous amount of guilt for ‘lying’ or concealing aspects of their identity or lifestyle from friends and family,” says McLaughlin. “There can also be significant anxiety related to a fear or rejection from their friends and family. That fear or rejection might also have been the reason why they haven’t come out earlier.”
Some men feel unable to come out because of the image they have of what it means to ‘look’ gay or be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. McLaughlin agrees. “Some men have told me that it was harder for them to come out because they perceive themselves to be “straight acting” or ‘straight passing’. Accordingly, they were worried that it would be more of a shock or disappointment to people close to them. It’s almost as if they felt compelled to become what society expected of them, even if it wasn’t their true self.”
Empathy, understanding, and space can be incredibly beneficial when it comes to the initial conversation with a partner or close family member. “You’re likely to experience a range of emotions and sometimes it can help to acknowledge those feelings, whether they’re good, bad or a mix of both,” says McLaughlin. “I think one of the most important characteristics of healthy relationships is empathy and respect. I would always encourage people to imagine themselves in the shoes of the other person, and show patience and compassion on both sides.”
Ultimately, the decision is down to the individual person as to when and if they decide to come out, as well as who to. Our individual circumstances mean the journey will never be the same as someone else’s.
Ben shared his advice on what to look for in a person you want to share your identity with, and how it’s made him feel since he took the leap. “I’d really recommend finding a trusted person, be it a friend, relative, partner, or therapist, to talk things through with. It really helped me to process what was going on, what I was feeling, and fully accept and embrace who I really was.”
Since coming out, Sim has reconnected with a romantic partner in the US who they have now remarried, and their life looks vastly different as they explore their long distance relationship and their evolving gender identity.
“Whilst I’m in the US I do feel able to express myself more as someone who identifies as non-binary, but travelling backwards and forwards between two countries has made it difficult to be in a position to be open about myself,” they say. But by expressing themselves with full honesty, they have begun to experience joy and healing in their new relationship. “The most joyous thing has been coming out to my wife and sharing who I am with her… A few weeks ago she said to me she would be heartbroken if I felt I had to repress anything about me in front of her. With her love and support I will definitely be in a place where I’m totally comfortable with the life I am leading.”
So wherever you are in your understanding of yourself, whether it’s day one or day 100, know that there should never be any rush to share yourself with the world—and remember that whenever you’re ready, there will be a community of people ready to greet you with open arms.
